Example: a Middle Level response with feedback
This is an example written for this guide, not a real student's essay. It answers Middle Level prompt 3 above. The feedback below it shows the kind of notes that help a student improve.
Describe something you made or built that did not work the first time. What did you change, and what happened next?
The first birdhouse I built fell apart in a week. I was eleven, and I used a hot glue gun because it was fast. After one rainy night the roof slid off and landed in my mom's tomato plants.
At first I was annoyed, and I wanted to blame the glue. My grandfather, who fixes almost everything in our garage, asked me a question instead. "What holds the roof on when it gets wet?" I did not have an answer.
So I started over. This time I measured each board twice. I used small nails and wood glue, and I cut a slant into the roof so the rain would run off. It took three weekends instead of one afternoon. My hands were sore and I bent a lot of nails.
The second birdhouse is still on our fence two years later. A family of wrens moved in last spring. I learned that the fast way is not always the best way, and that asking why something failed is more useful than being mad about it.
Example feedback
Ideas. The essay answers every part of the prompt: what failed, what changed, and what happened. Details like the tomato plants and the wrens make it believable. Try this: in the last paragraph, add one sentence about a later time you asked "why did this fail?" so the reader sees the lesson in action.
Organization. The four paragraphs follow the order of events, and "So I started over" moves the reader smoothly into the second attempt. Try this: end the first paragraph with a sentence that hints at the lesson, such as "I thought fast was the same as good." Then the ending ties back to the beginning.
Voice. The writing sounds like a student telling their own story, and the grandfather's question is a strong moment. Several sentences start with "I," which makes the middle feel a little flat. Try this: rewrite one sentence to start another way, for example "With small nails and wood glue, I rebuilt the walls."
Conventions. Spelling and dialogue punctuation are correct. Two sentences would read more easily with a comma: one after the opening phrase "After one rainy night," and one before "and" in a sentence that joins two complete thoughts. Try this: change "My hands were sore and I bent a lot of nails" to "My hands were sore, and I bent a lot of nails."
